a letter for a friend of mine
- Rachel Jeong
- Sep 10, 2023
- 4 min read
SELF-CARE, Mental Health
Take a look at this mini-film/reel that goes hand-in-hand with this piece.
Spotify Corner (to maximize the effects of this post):
"the way things go," beabadoobee
"for anxious breakdowns/panic attacks"
"for the low seasons"
dear friend,
i had a dream
the other night
where we were seen
on a stair flight
it was an evening
after a field trip
you asked a question
that took a moment
until my brain it hit
made my conscience rip
it was something like
have you ever not
wanted to be alive
through the ups and downs
sadness anything unlike
i blabbered about
thinking i had been
helping with random
philosophical
shit all about me
so this is what i
would say if i got
to redo that time:
sometimes i wonder what u think abt so that u don't see what's in u
sometimes i wonder what u think abt so that u don't see that u have
effervescence lights that bubble within u, bubble up from ur center,
so that u put a cap on it
is it the limitation of expectation? of constructs?
or is it ur sadness, ur pain, ur confusion. is it tears and doubts that force u to have no choice but to frown at and drown it all through noise, dopamine, brain struggling to swim through all the crack, smoke, the broken guitar strings stitched in halfway in and out of your scalp
like how a pulse line goes up and down, but
are u really breathing? are u really living? or are u just going through the motions of existing?
because i don't think that's the way things should go
i sometimes feel like i can't ever get to know u
because u are so twisted and complicated
an enigma uncrackable and
solely crackable for some experience and
someone very special
fitted perfectly uniquely for u and ur life,
like a puzzle piece j for ur time
just not me
oh but i guess that's just the way things go,
and i'm okay w that!
as long as i get to be the part of ur life that reminds u from time to time
that u deserve to be on this earth
that u deserve a place, to take up space
and u are so wanted on this planet
why?
bc u are u.
bc u are a human being.
bc out of the crazy trillions of
things that could've been,
u happened to be created
bc u were chosen to lead a life
so how u lead it is ur choice to make obviously
but before u make those decisions
conscious and subconscious
please, remember this:
with that heart, u will always be loved
in whatever form, whenever, wherever,
whether u are aware or told it or not
with that mind, u will always
question and know the farthest corners of unexplored corners
people never even thought to consider
whether u are aware or told it or not
with that musicality of ur soul, u are a genius
whether u are aware or told it or not
and can light up people's worlds if u only choose
but even aside from all of those,
on those days where u feel fucking worthless
beaten up and down
eaten, torn, ripped apart to deepest depression
at bunk bottoms
confused and questioning
everything
why, did this happen to me
when did this even happen
why is it now,
how could things turn out like this i wish this never happened
why did i do that?
is it my fault? why do i deserve to feel this sad
empty, angry, dissociated,
so goddamn tired of feeling like this all the time
and now u feel bitter pangs of wistfulness
when u think of that one person.
is that just the way things go?
when u feel like a slum in the sewer systems
when everybody goes about their days overhead in the city streets, walking over u
clueless, happy, ignorant
meanwhile a heavyweight pile of shit has been dumped on top of ur head,
it's okay to feel that.
it's okay that u think these nasty thoughts at night
regardless of what you've done or what u think of urself,
those thoughts are like clouds passing by:
imagine u are lying down on a green grassy hill, with blue clear skies, and
ur negative thoughts are the grey purple rain filled clouds that pass by.
u don't believe in them too hard,
just because they exist doesn't mean that the world is just a stormy place.
those clouds are temporary, because u know what it feels like to have those blue clear skies. hang on to that. please, at least for me if not urself.
let the rain filled clouds pass on by, carried by the wind,
feel your feelings deeply and wholly.
feel the hurt, feel the frustration, feel the annoyance, feel the longing, feel the sadness.
it's not fair. why, how could those ugly clouds come out on a day where u were enjoying urself so much, lying on a grassy hill with gorgeous radiant skies? but it's just the way things go! weather happens, life happens. always moving on.
but know, just know, that this feeling will not last forever.
it feels like it will, but it will not. it feels as though it'll envelop and swallow ur life and ur heart and mouth and mind like black smoggy tar until u are completely silent,
but it is a lie!
how much life u have left to live,
not weighed down by heavy baggage and burden.
how much more emotions u have yet to feel
other than this dark range u are being hurled right now.
i promise u, i promise u, if u stick around a bit, u will see that blue sky that gave u so much happiness again.
in the way way end, that's just the way things go.
remember to breathe, put your mind at ease, soon this feeling's gonna pass, you will find relief. -field medic
praying that u remember self-compassion and stay with us,
rachel
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