fear of the self, pt. 1

SELF-CARE, Creative Writing

i'm scared of myself

that i distance my own brain

from

numb

there's a barrier i numbed

my innards: my soul, my identity, my energy, my mindset.

swipe down swipe back up: no new notifications

it's too much for me to think about right now

it's either do everything perfectly or nothing at all.

there's always tomorrow

swipe down swipe back up: no new notifications

so i haven't touched a thing

except cluelessly embrace the unhealthy patterns

brrb: x sent you a snap. ignore. turn on reels while you're at it.

of eating, bingeing on all-things cheap dopamine

stoned on the interminable stimulation.

that i can't even watch my favorite movie walk over to phone on charger of all time without wandering no new notifications WHAT BUT I WAITED 30 MINUTES

it exhausts me even more

that i want to cry

swipe down swipe back up: no new notifications

in frustration

but when i try, the only thing i feel is contorted expressions on my face

swipe down: no new notifications. swipe back up

ugh, why is no one awake, i want to talk to someone

figured everything out | stuck between | separated entities, avoidance, escapism, etc. idk

that it's all jumbled, no organization

swipe down swipe back up: i want (male) validation:

to distract me from this mess: swipe down swipe back up

and it's easier, more comfortable to stay in this place than to go organize it

and show myself i'm worth the effort

maybe it's from all of the self-help stuff i used to nonstop consume, telling me to do this and that and it just became too much for me eventually until i became burnt out, tired of thinking i'm a constant self-help project and overloaded myself with information but honestly at least some of it stuck.

or not. idk

i'm scared of exploring again

maybe it's because last time i tried i went too hard and it's exhausting for me to start again because i think that it'll be the same

but i know it doesn't have to be. i will learn.

but i know it's not true

i know that there is another option

just to try

even if to fail, or to charge 20%

because some is apparently better than no progress?

idk

i just don't know anymore.